Parenting made easy

Being a parent doesn’t have to be difficult. Don’t get me wrong, it’s currently difficult as hell. However, if someone would make these simple products, things would be a lot easier.

  1. Nose plugs. They allow air in without letting snot out. Don’t worry, they aren’t for your kid, because you’d never bring a sick child to daycare. They’re for the children whose parents believe in spreading the love. And by love, I mean disgusting snot germs.
  2. A don’t you dare say what I know you’re about to say shock… err… vibrate collar. It comes with a remote control, and is especially useful in the grocery store when you see a woman who looks pregnant but you’re sure is not. Or when you’re near someone who smells. Or someone old.
  3. His and her baby monitors. First parent to hit the silence button wins- theirs is silenced and the volume doubles on the other parent’s monitor.
  4. A large plastic funnel that surrounds your toddler’s high chair. All thrown food slides down into a large bowl under the chair. A conveyor belt brings sippy cups back to the tray.
  5. A remote control that can detect when it’s being held by someone under 3 feet tall. It temporarily disables itself until back in the hands of an adult.
  6. A device that only allows a few sheets of toilet paper out at a time, unless the correct code is entered. Also useful for owners of passive aggressive cats.
  7. An electronic scale that flashes a picture of your smiling baby right before it shows your weight. Helps you remember that she’s worth it.
  8. A homing device for toys. Scan any toy and it will lead you to the 300 pieces that belong to the toy, which are scattered around the entire house. Even better, it acts as a magnet, drawing the pieces out from under the couch or from deep in the laundry basket.
  9. Vacuums with a toddler seat on the front. No more carrying your child, pushing the vacuum and holding the chord at the same time.
  10. A pen that projects hologram animals. A very effective distraction tool, most useful in the store when passing the toy or candy isle. Just turn the pen on, point in the direction you need your child to look, then shout, “Is that a frog?” Walk quickly past the toy isle.
  11. Vegetables disguised as ChapStick, small pieces of paper or Play-doh.
  12. Cat food flavored baby food.
  13. A camera that makes loud farting noises right before it takes the picture.
  14. Dishwasher doors that have a pull-out leg, so your toddler can climb on the open door without breaking it off.
  15. A playground that doesn’t have a rock wall or some other apparatus that requires an opening at the very top, right next to the slide toddlers go down.
  16. A SIDS-safe crib made to resemble the inside of a car, infant car seat included. It must include a mobile that sounds like an engine, and the whole crib should vibrate like a car on the highway.
  17. A wearable alarm that sounds 1 full second before your child pees, throws up, or sneezes. This gives you enough time to, well, close your mouth.
  18. A onesie with an interchangeable top on the front- after the current outfit is drooled through, just unsnap, snap on new one, and you’re good to go.
  19. A laptop screen that pops all the way open with the push of a button (for when you’re holding a baby and have to open it with one hand). It’s a lot more difficult than it looks!
  20. A phone app that automatically plays your child’s favorite song after they’ve reached their limit of consecutive “why” questions. For a three year old, this would be 15.